ib tests are over so there isn’t much to do in my hl math class other than whatever random stuff our teacher could come up with. today, that random crap was looking at a final for a berkeley calculus class.

the idea was that if you found the questions easy, you should skip the class. as a future math major and current idiot, i was very interested in this idea. especially because i had not taken any of the ap calculus tests and i definitely failed the ib hl math tests!! yes!!

of course, i didn’t expect the problems to be easy. i think that given some quiet space i would be able to solve them in some sense. what discouraged me from solving them was the speed at which my classmates made up answers to these questions. i’m used to feeling incompetent in that class but right then it just hit me that i really suck at math. like a lot. and it made me fully realize what i was getting myself into.

this is fine

don’t think this means i have doubts about choosing my major–because i definitely don’t. i think it’s really weird that people are surprised that i like math although i’m bad at it–as if you’re only supposed to like things you’re good at. (if that was the case i would find no joy in my life haha!!) but i like math and the challenges it gives me. i think my only problem is the fact that i’ll be doing it around other people, most likely people who are a lot smarter than i am. feelings of incompetence are more likely to bring me down than the difficulty of the content itself.

i think this post got a lot more personal and disgusting than i intended. but i think the idea behind it is very important and i hope that whoever reads this may resonate with the idea that you don’t have to be good at something to like it and that you shouldn’t have other people dictate how well you do something (except if it’s grades because that’s just how it works, kiddo). confidence and perseverance are very important to doing the things you like and i think once i find out what the former really is, i think maybe i’ll do better in math. i’ll have to get back on that later. ok thanks.

// TODO:

since i’m ending high school in about two weeks, i’m heading into the longest summer vacation i’ve had in years. (for reference, usually school begins again in mid-august but this year it begins in mid-september–that is, if i still end up going to college haha!!)

given all this free time, i’ve realized i have so many things i could waste my time doing. i don’t actually have a physical (or digital?) list of these things so i thought i should talk about them in this post and sort them by category.


  • learn more python
  • learn more c++
  • learn some assembly
  • learn how to actually use github


  • review for placement test :^)
  • actually try to look up the classes i’m taking next year
  • accept life as a math major


  • actually draw something
  • come to terms with breaking up w/photoshop


it’s actually pretty likely that i’ll forget to do these things or i’ll end up procrastinating. but hey, at least i wrote down my goals somewhere. (i am lying to myself!)

should i find more stuff to do, i’ll add them here. ok thanks.

i have a blog

i have a blog on my website now.

i decided to go the easy way and use wordpress to make it. sometime in the future, i’d like to go ahead and make my own from scratch. stay tuned. (though that will probably not happen until a few more months, when i have free time.


i’m actually not sure what i should post on here. i don’t expect anybody to actually read these posts so i guess this might be treated as just me rambling. ok thanks.