ib tests are over so there isn’t much to do in my hl math class other than whatever random stuff our teacher could come up with. today, that random crap was looking at a final for a berkeley calculus class.

the idea was that if you found the questions easy, you should skip the class. as a future math major and current idiot, i was very interested in this idea. especially because i had not taken any of the ap calculus tests and i definitely failed the ib hl math tests!! yes!!

of course, i didn’t expect the problems to be easy. i think that given some quiet space i would be able to solve them in some sense. what discouraged me from solving them was the speed at which my classmates made up answers to these questions. i’m used to feeling incompetent in that class but right then it just hit me that i really suck at math. like a lot. and it made me fully realize what i was getting myself into.

this is fine

don’t think this means i have doubts about choosing my major–because i definitely don’t. i think it’s really weird that people are surprised that i like math although i’m bad at it–as if you’re only supposed to like things you’re good at. (if that was the case i would find no joy in my life haha!!) but i like math and the challenges it gives me. i think my only problem is the fact that i’ll be doing it around other people, most likely people who are a lot smarter than i am. feelings of incompetence are more likely to bring me down than the difficulty of the content itself.

i think this post got a lot more personal and disgusting than i intended. but i think the idea behind it is very important and i hope that whoever reads this may resonate with the idea that you don’t have to be good at something to like it and that you shouldn’t have other people dictate how well you do something (except if it’s grades because that’s just how it works, kiddo). confidence and perseverance are very important to doing the things you like and i think once i find out what the former really is, i think maybe i’ll do better in math. i’ll have to get back on that later. ok thanks.