2018, now 2019

it’s been a while since i’ve written here. i’m not sure why i find it so difficult to write blog posts when i know there’s only 2 people who read this (including me). anyway, i thought it would be appropriate to write something now because it’s january and it’s a new year.

2018 was tough and a lot of it was my fault. i failed a lot, didn’t try hard enough, and didn’t do enough to make things better. i got rejected by so many companies for summer 2018 internships (namely microsoft and IBM, both of which i had a lot of hope for). i did terribly in many of my classes, did a lot of damage to my health through bad nutrition, and felt unfulfilled. but i also did manage to quit my job at starbucks and have more time to myself. i learned how to drive after 3 years of putting it off. i got a new job as a TA, and later as an instructor, for coding classes for middle school students. i also had another job in the fall where i mentored middle school students and helped them build an android game (but mostly just had fun joking around with them and learning about middle school culture). and later i got a few interviews/coding challenges for summer 2019 internships–ending in an internship offer given to me just last week.

lots of ups and downs. i’m not special in saying that. i know it happens to everyone and this isn’t anything new or exciting to read. it’s hard for me to write down my accomplishments without thinking about the better things others have done. i don’t want to be like this anymore.

in 2019 i want to use my bullet journal more and use my time as best as i can–i want to do things with intention. i want to rest because it’s good for me and i want to work on coding projects because it’s fun. i want to go to more places, floss my teeth more, probably lose 5 pounds, write in a diary again, and just feel better about myself. i want to not care about what others do or how they may or may not be better than i am because it!! does!! not!! matter!! i will eat food and not feel guilty and not work more hours a week than i am comfortable with. i do not want to be scared or unprepared when i live in nyc for the summer. i want to be better.

i need to write some things down

i think it would help if i tried to write my ideas down, otherwise i’ll probably forget them.

also, i don’t want to forget this blog.

habits i want to pick up before summer session

  • use duolingo at least four┬átimes a week
    • will i ever need my knowledge of high school french? maybe not, but i’d like to try and preserve it as much as possible. i’ve got this fear of losing my memory (in general, not just french) and i don’t want it to happen, so practicing something often would help out with stopping that (i think).
  • run at least once every two weeks
    • once every two weeks isn’t really a lot at all but i don’t really expect myself to do any better than that, anyway. i’m kind of really unfit and my weight has been the same since starting school last fall and i’m kinda bummed, so starting this habit might help to start losing some of that weight.
  • do something with my godamned website
    • i have no idea what i’m doing but i want to do something cool
  • study once a week for each class i have
    • whether it be re-reading some text or creating some sort of study guide or chart, i want to get into the habit of studying early. i didn’t exactly study last-minute during winter quarter but i feel like the concepts i’m learning in spring quarter will be very important to the rest of college for me and i’d like the stuff to stick for a while.

i also need to get a haircut.

ok bye


ib tests are over so there isn’t much to do in my hl math class other than whatever random stuff our teacher could come up with. today, that random crap was looking at a final for a berkeley calculus class.

the idea was that if you found the questions easy, you should skip the class. as a future math major and current idiot, i was very interested in this idea. especially because i had not taken any of the ap calculus tests and i definitely failed the ib hl math tests!! yes!!

of course, i didn’t expect the problems to be easy. i think that given some quiet space i would be able to solve them in some sense. what discouraged me from solving them was the speed at which my classmates made up answers to these questions. i’m used to feeling incompetent in that class but right then it just hit me that i really suck at math. like a lot. and it made me fully realize what i was getting myself into.

this is fine

don’t think this means i have doubts about choosing my major–because i definitely don’t. i think it’s really weird that people are surprised that i like math although i’m bad at it–as if you’re only supposed to like things you’re good at. (if that was the case i would find no joy in my life haha!!) but i like math and the challenges it gives me. i think my only problem is the fact that i’ll be doing it around other people, most likely people who are a lot smarter than i am. feelings of incompetence are more likely to bring me down than the difficulty of the content itself.

i think this post got a lot more personal and disgusting than i intended. but i think the idea behind it is very important and i hope that whoever reads this may resonate with the idea that you don’t have to be good at something to like it and that you shouldn’t have other people dictate how well you do something (except if it’s grades because that’s just how it works, kiddo). confidence and perseverance are very important to doing the things you like and i think once i find out what the former really is, i think maybe i’ll do better in math. i’ll have to get back on that later. ok thanks.